Fran Goes on Jerry Springer
by Lisaviera
Summary: Fran has a secret. Balthier wants her to reveal it, so she goes on the only talk show that allows Viera! Incredibly disturbing, hilarious, fairly sick, and with all the sexual comments and swear words intact! Join the fun, on Fran Goes On Jerry Springer!
1. Chapter 1

Fran goes on Jerry Springer

Story idea by Lisaviera

Written by Vieraheart15

Disclaimer: Neither of us owns FFXII. Square Enix does. We're just having fun making stupid jokes.

**Hi! Vieraheart15 here. My sister Lisa actually came up with this whole story idea a few weeks ago. She just wanted me to write it, since she's so busy all the time and she also doesn't think she writes well. This is meant to be funny. VERY funny and very stupid. This is what happens when a Viera has a secret she would like to reveal. We're kind of going for crude humour here, because Lisa loves crude humour. Very OOC. Most of it doesn't make much sense. A tiny pinch of Balfran tossed in. Neither one of us has actually ever watched Jerry Springer, so if it doesn't seem like the show it's just because we don't know any better. Please DO NOT FLAME US! REVIEWS ARE QUITE APPRECIATED!**

**And now, without further ado, we bring you "Fran goes on Jerry Springer"...**

Fran, Balthier and the rest of the gang were hunting a mark in the Golmore Jungle. It was yet another of Mjrn's plots to get her sister to come home and stay home, despite what Jote said! Jote was acting really strange lately though. She had told Mjrn that she had a surprise for Fran if she ever saw her again. Mjrn, being a teenager (in Viera years), didn't know whether to trust that her oldest sister wasn't going to hurt Fran or not. She decided to have a bill posted for some stupid monster the wood-warders could've easily dealt with. Knowing Fran, nobody else would be allowed to see Mjrn about the bill.

"Fran, this is ridiculous! Are you sure this is a real mark? Does your sister know a mark when she sees one? I mean, she's a kid!" Vaan complained.

"Mjrn-chan is over fifty years old, Vaan! She knows what she's doing!" Penelo remarked.

"Not exactly," Fran said. "The girl can be really stupid when she wants something. One time she told our mother that a coeurl got into the village just so Mom would leave the house so Mjrn could eat all of the carrots! Boy, did she ever get in trouble that time!"

"The bill looked bogus. I just thought that Mjrn couldn't draw. I mean, look at this! This isn't a malboro! This is a sun with a smile and sunglasses on! Mjrn told us it was a malboro! And this malboro is stuffed! This is the 'Deadly malboro' Mjrn told us about?" Vaan whined.

"I think I'm going to have to have a talk with my sister!" Fran yelled.

They went into Eruyt Village. Jote was waiting, really angry at Mjrn. The Wood told her what her sister had done, and she was very angry. Mjrn was lying down, unconscious. Jote had decided to whale on her for trying to get Fran back into the village.

"You brought back her toy, didn't you?" Jote asked Fran.

"Yeah. What was the point here?"

"Our baby sister decided it was a good idea to try and lure you back here with a fake bill! She knew you'd fall for it! The Wood is even angrier at you than before, considering what you did!"

"What did Fran do?" Balthier asked. Fran looked around, trying to find a way to escape.

"Fran? What did you DO?!" Ashe asked the Viera angrily.

"I can't tell you here." Fran said.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"You're telling us," Balthier demanded. "Even if we have to go on Jerry Springer to force the truth out of you!"

"Why Jerry Springer?" Penelo asked.

"Nobody else allows Viera on their show." Basch said.

"I used to watch it all the time back home." Ashe added.

Today, on Jerry Springer, we have Viera who have to tell their human friends secrets. In case you didn't know, Viera are creatures that are like some rabbit screwed an elf! Now here's Jerry.

Jerry: Today, on the show, we brought Fran. She's a Viera, and she wants to tell her best friend Balthier, who is a human, a secret. How are you Fran?

Fran: How do you think I am? I don't want to be on this show, and I don't like having Hume females attacking their male friends because I'm supposedly so beautiful. I don't think I'm that much different than any other Viera! And you had better wipe that smirk off of your face! These claws aren't just for show!

Jerry: Would you like a carrot?

Fran: Yes, but not now. I have to tell Balthier a secret.

Jerry: Tell our audience first, and then we'll bring Balthier out.

Fran: I have to tell Balthier that I cheated on him. And I didn't just cheat on him with men, even though I did sleep with Vaan and Basch on several different occasions, but I also cheated on him with trees.

Jerry: TREES? Tell me, how do you sleep with a tree?

Fran: Some trees have exposed roots. And then I...

"Ashe! Isn't Fran supposed to be on the magic box today? There's a Viera, but it ain't Fran!" Penelo asked. She was horribly drunk. She had managed to get a fake ID and had bought all kinds of drinks.

"Penelo, that isn't Jerry Springer! Change the channel! That is a nature documentary on Viera! Balthier made us promise we'd watch so Fran wouldn't have to repeat what she said she did!" Ashe replied, annoyed. She had already missed some of the show, and all because Penelo was watching a VIERA DOCUMENTARY!

Fran: And the worst part about all this is that now, I think I'm pregnant. I might be. I'm not sure. And even though I think Balthier is the father, there's always the chance that Vaan or Basch may be.

Jerry: Tell me more about sleeping with trees.

Fran: Besides that the Wood is female? What else is there to say? She is the mother of the Viera race, so we don't want anyone messing with her!

Jerry: So you slept with your mother?

Fran: My mother was a Viera. The Wood is the mother of my race, but Viera are born from other Viera. I think the original Viera were born from the Wood. Now, we come from other Viera.

Jerry: I thought Viera came from an elf that crossbred with a rabbit.

Fran: Stop that.

**Mail all credit to Lisaviera via the review button. ALL CREDIT IS LISA'S! SHE DICTATED TO ME! AHAHAHAHAHA!!**


	2. Chapter 2

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**Another irreverent chapter and we still don't know what the heck we're doing. This chapter, Vaan and Basch come out and admit what they did, and Fran does more incredibly stupid things (she does disturbing things involving carrots). REVIEWS ARE GOOD FOR EVERYONE! BTW, chestnut trees smell like semen when they bloom. Dead serious. We call our USB sticks "Magic Sticks", and Lisa wanted Fran to do something disturbing with one.**

Penelo was completely drunk, so Ashe was taping the episode for her. She didn't like having to deal with a hyperactive teenager while her friends were on the show. Penelo had thrown a batch of cupcakes at the wall, and when Ashe got mad, Penelo blamed it on Bart Simpson!

"Penelo, who in the hell is Bart Simpson? I'm trying to watch Fran, so shut up or I'm sending you to the loony bin!"

"I didn't throw the damn cupcakes! I told you what happened!"

Meanwhile, Fran wasn't behaving much better. During a commercial break, she had managed to find a carrot somewhere and had it shoved down her shirt, right in between her breasts. Security was restraining her; much to her dismay, but nobody would reach down and grab the carrot.

Jerry was not amused. "Listen to me Viera. You are being embarrassing. This is making all Viera look bad. WILL ONE OF YOU GET THAT DAMN CARROT ALREADY?"

"I'd be delighted to!" Balthier exclaimed. Fran swatted at him with her claws. She broke free of security and leapt on top of a chair, hissing and swatting at anybody who went near her.

"IT'S MY CARROT! GOT THAT?! NOBODY TOUCHES ME AND TAKES MY CARROT!" The Viera screamed.

"C'mon Fran. It's not like half of Ivalice hasn't already seen and/or touched your breasts." Balthier argued.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"YOU SHOULD KNOW! YOU ONLY SLEPT WITH EVERY MALE IN RABANASTRE! AND NOT JUST HUMES EITHER! YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH SEEQS, BANGAAS, MOOGLES, AND NU-MOU TOO!"

"Don't touch me!"

"Fran, you didn't seem to mind while we had sex."

"Miss Frances, nobody wants to take your carrot, just get it out of your shirt!" Jerry yelled.

"I've already told you my name is not FRANCES!"

"I don't care, just get that carrot out!"

"Okay, I will. And it will go somewhere else! Like lodged up your rear!"

"Fran, will you at least tell me what you did?" Balthier asked.

"Gladly. I slept with Basch and Vaan, and I put exposed tree roots in my snizz." Fran said in her normal tone.

"I know you slept with Basch and Vaan. Vaan told me all about it!!"

"And I'm going to have to take a pregnancy test."

"Good lord, you're a stupid Viera! Why didn't you use protection?!"

"What is protection?"

"It's a wonder there isn't an overpopulation of Viera, if all you female Viera want to do is have sex." Jerry told Fran.

"It isn't all they do, Jerry. That's just what I do. By the way, my favourite trees are chestnut trees, because I like the way they smell when they bloom."

Balthier rolled his eyes. "You're very sick, you know that dear?" The Hume said. Fran nodded happily, pulled the carrot out, and started eating it.

"Basch put something he called a 'Magick Stick' up my pussy."

"FRAN! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT AGAIN!" Balthier roared.

"We're gonna have to bleep that. And don't talk about putting USB sticks in yourself!" Jerry said.

"I said BASCH did it. And it hurt. And what is a USB stick?" Fran said, picking up a chair.

"Put the chair down, Viera."

"No!" Fran hurled the chair at Jerry happily, but she missed luckily.


	3. Chapter 3

Fran goes on Jerry Springer

**We have almost 150 hits! The Lisa is working very hard and she'd love some more feedback. In this chapter, Fran tells Basch and Vaan what she did, and does more revolting things. We know we're making the characters wildly OOC, but that is half the fun.**

Fran had finished her carrot and threw the end at Jerry. She had decided it was amusing to throw things.

"Hey Balthier, want some carrot juice?" Fran asked with a sly look.

"Fran, the last time you made carrot juice, one of the carrots you ground up had spent the last two hours shoved up your pussy!" Balthier yelled.

"I will have to bleep that again!" Jerry said.

"What? Didn't you like Viera-flavoured carrot juice?" Fran asked, looking hurt.

"NO. I DID _NOT_ LIKE 'VIERA-FLAVOURED' CARROT JUICE! IF I WANTED TO TASTE YOU, I WOULD'VE LICKED YOU AGAIN!"

"Call it a snizz anyhow."

"Fran, you're the one who said it the first time!"

"You want some pickles?"

"YOU SICK LITTLE VIERA BITCH! CAN YOU STOP BEING HIDEOUSLY DISGUSTING AND BE SERIOUS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?!"

"Another word I have to bleep. The ratings ought to skyrocket." Jerry remarked.

Penelo was extremely high on crack. She was happily running around completely naked and throwing things. Ashe was furious and trying to restrain the hyper teenager before she ran outside like that. All of Rabanastre did not need to see Penelo run across town without her clothes on.

"Penelo! You do not go outside!" Ashe yelled.

"Feeeeeeeeel the wiiiind!" Penelo cried happily.

"Penelo, get your clothes back on if you want to run around like a moron! I mean, this is your house, but it's MY country and I say no teenage morons get to run across this town naked!"

"Me Penelo. Me tell Fran me like Viera-flavoured carrot juice. Me smoke lots of craaack!" Penelo said stupidly.

"Where the hell did you get crack?"

"The drug-dealing Moogle outside the Sandsea! KUPO!"

"Penelo, no kupoing. Only Moogles get to do that!"

Fran was still being stupid. It seemed she had taken some of that crack Penelo had smoked too. She was hyper, seemed rather disoriented, and had to be bleeped about a hundred times because she thought the word "vagina" was hilarious. She had thought the technical name for her favourite part was "snizz". She had also gotten ahold of a microphone and Balthier and two security guards were restraining her so she couldn't take her clothes off.

"We're going to bring Mr. Vaan and Mr. Basch out, if Fran doesn't decide to strip. Would she like another carrot?"

"Let me go! I want to play with the magic microphone!" Fran was yelling. It was obvious what she _really_ intended to do with it.

"Fran, you're making a scene!"

Vaan and Basch were brought out. Vaan immediately lost control and leapt on Fran and began kissing her. If another of the security guards hadn't pried him off, the two of them probably would've started having sex, right on camera. Vaan had tried to help Fran get her clothes off, but he was stopped.

"Vaan! None of your hormones!" Balthier yelled.

"Hey! She likes me better! I gave her the ride of her life, didn't I, my lovely Viera?" Vaan asked, stroking Fran's soft rabbit ears. Fran began making contented noises, almost like purrs. "See? Franny should be my partner. Penelo just gets drunk and is no fun anymore. You can have her. I deserve the Viera. I'll give her what she needs."

"You aren't the only one who has sex with Fran whenever she wants it, which is constantly!"

"You sick bastard! You're going to knock Fran up! I want her to have _my_ cute little bunny-eared babies!" Basch yelled.

"I might already be pregnant." Fran said. She was hanging from a light, holding a carrot. "Hey Vaaaaaan! Look what I have! Guess where I got this carrot! Want a Viera-flavoured carrot?"

"She put another carrot up there. Sheesh. She loves being vulgar, doesn't she?" Jerry asked Balthier.

"I want to eat the carrot!" Vaan yelled.

"Vaan, you don't want to eat that carrot, considering where that has been!" Basch cried.

"It's been up my vagina!" Fran yelled happily. The audience got very sick of course; some of the younger men started snickering. The word got bleeped.

"Look at that bunny lady Mommy! She has a carrot!" A little boy said.

"We're leaving!" The boy's mother said.

"Fran, I hope you do have a child. I've always wanted to be a dad." Vaan said.

"Who said it was yours? Fran has slept with many men!" Balthier yelled.

"And Fran would like to have my child! She wouldn't want a little rabbit-eared child from anybody else!"

"Vaan, shut the hell up!"


	4. Chapter 4

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**Lisa's back and she's ready to shock us all. ZAP. No actual sex, but lots of incredibly raunchy and disturbing comments about Fran's privates and other issues.**

"No Fran! I do not want pickles or Viera-flavoured carrots! I'd much rather just have sex with you again! It was awesome!" Vaan yelled. Fran was shoving pickles in his face.

"How about my lemons?" Fran asked, pulling yellow citrus fruits out of her shirt.

"Where the hell did those come from?!" Balthier yelled.

"Fran, does your shirt go to another dimension or something?" Jerry asked.

"Let's find out." Fran replied. She took her shirt off and everyone instantly realized the Viera did not wear a bra. Men started whispering comments. Vaan got a nosebleed.

"Ohmigods. Those are huge!" Vaan yelled excitedly.

"It isn't like you've never seen 'em before." Fran remarked.

"Are we censoring this? The last thing all the world needs to see is this Viera's breasts!" Jerry called out.

Fran looked insulted. "What is your problem? Don't you LIKE them?!" The Viera screamed.

"I do!" Vaan cried out.

"Just keep your pants on. I don't want to see any more of your secret parts. Put some clothes on, rabbit-elf!"

Fran got really mad. "WHO DID YOU JUST CALL A RABBIT-ELF? WAS IT ME? 'CAUSE IF IT WAS, I KNOW ONE HUME TALK-SHOW HOST WHO IS GOING TO HAVE HIS EYES RIPPED OUT!" The pretty Viera roared.

"Fran, just calm down. That isn't good for my little bunny-eared son or daughter." Basch said.

"What makes you think it's yours?" Vaan growled.

"I'm not even sure that I'm pregnant." Fran reminded them.

"And I also had sex with her. About fifty times." Balthier added.

"Yeah yeah. We know. Every man in Rabanastre got some from Fran. It's possible she isn't even having a half-Hume child, unless Humes are the only things female Viera can have children with besides male Viera. I just hope it isn't from somebody we don't know who she had a one-night-stand with." Vaan complained.

"Vaan, I seriously doubt you are the father. You only slept with Fran once."

"Best half hour of my life."

"And most awkward half hour of mine." Fran added, putting her top back on.

"Hey! What did you expect? I was a virgin!"

"That's no excuse for how you behaved! You kept thinking everything you did hurt me, even after I told you to stop it, and that I liked it! Even Nono was better than you, and he's a MOOGLE!"

"One time, Nono, she, and I had a threesome." Balthier stated.

"Just so you could both hump the Viera, I'm sure." Vaan hissed.

"What's wrong with that?" Fran asked.

"I'm just surprised you haven't had kids, with all that you do."

"Nobody was just lucky."

"Fran, shut up or I'm jamming every last one of those lemons up your pussy! And I guarantee that will hurt like hell!" Balthier warned.

"Would those even fit in her snizz?" Vaan asked.

"Why don't you shove them up Vaan's rear? That will hurt a lot worse!" Fran growled.

"I imagine they would fit, considering. That USB stick slid right in. And a lot of other things. " Basch remarked.

Penelo was upset that they censored Fran's breasts. She was definitely not lesbian, but she wanted to see regardless. Wanted to see what made Vaan want sex with the Viera. Maybe compare sizes. Penelo wasn't even fully developed yet. Why didn't Vaan like her? He could've been with her. She wouldn't have been miserable! Fran probably only had sex with him because he begged her to and she was giving "Free Samples" to anyone who asked!

"Ashe? How can I get Vaan to like me so he'll have sex with me?" Penelo asked.

"You did not just ask that. I'm not going to dignify the potty-mouth with an answer!"

Penelo pulled a bag of chips out of thin air. "Want some chips?"

"Ew, no. Those are salt n' vinegar flavoured. I only like Blue Cheese flavoured Doritos."

"Fran also told me your Doritos are now Viera flavoured too."

"I'm telling somebody to go get me some fresh bags. Remind me to order that Viera fixed if she isn't pregnant. That will solve the problems. Vaan will come back to you, Basch will be mine again, and Fran won't want to make anything Viera-flavoured ever again because she'll lose the hormones."

"That's considered cruelty to animals Ashe!"

"Hey, Balthier knows he's supposed to spay or neuter his pets."

Penelo threw the bag of chips, but the chips were magic so they went through the TV and hit Fran.

"Wow! It really is a magic box!" Penelo said. She got an idea, and jumped at the TV, but it didn't work for her. She just got hurt and almost broke the screen.

Fran liked the chips. She started eating them happily.

"These are going straight to my thighs, but what the hell? These are better than Viera-flavoured carrots!" Fran exclaimed.

"Fran, if you don't stop being stupid, these lemons will go in between your thighs!" Balthier growled. He took some of the chips. "Damn, these are good. WAIT A MINUTE! THESE AREN'T 'VIERA-FLAVOURED' LIKE EVERY PIECE OF FOOD LEFT ON THE _STRAHL_, ARE THEY?"

"I can fix that. You want me too? They're salt n' vinegar flavoured, so they'll really sting up there, but if you want Viera-flavoured chips, I'll do it for you." Fran said innocently.

"Don't even think about pleasuring yourself with chips on camera!" Jerry yelled before Fran could try to take her clothes off again.

"I've got an idea for a show about Viera having sex. We could call it _Vieras Humping_. My sister Mjrn and I could be the stars." Fran said.

"Talk with the producers. I doubt they'll even let you finish that sentence before they kick you out. Now, next we have two men who say they know Fran just as well as Vaan and Balthier! Meet Larsa Solidor and Al-Cid Margrace."

**Next chapter? Larsa and Al-Cid tell their experiences with the cute Viera. Yes, we realize that Larsa is twelve. Lisa would love you forever if you kindly reviewed her.**


	5. Chapter 5

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**I, The Lisa am very happy that i has some reviews now. Send more, and by the way? I don't often capitalize, and I don't use proper grammar to make it sound funny. i take requests for something Fran should do in the next chapter. Very cool. We need ideas.**

Penelo threw a fit when she heard Larsa's name. She liked Larsa. As in _liked him_ liked him.

"Fran slept with Larsa?! Larsa is MINE! AND HE'S ONLY TWELVE!" Penelo roared. She took out another beer and decided to drown her sorrows about her boyfriend sleeping with a Viera.

"Considering I'm probably going to end up marrying stupid Al-Cid, I should be mad, but personally I think Fran isn't the only Viera he's been with. Lousy Rozzarians." Ashe muttered.

Fran was not pleased that Larsa and Al-Cid had been brought into this. She only slept with Al-Cid because Balthier was too tired to cater to the needs of one very horny Viera that night. And she never technically actually had sex with Larsa. She knew exactly how old he was. She had just "taught" him a few things that Penelo would probably enjoy someday. Foreplay, that's all it was. She had him play with mini-carrots. Larsa tried to find out how many baby carrots he could slide up Fran's snatch. Quite a few, they found out. Fran had a hell of a time getting them out afterwards, and Larsa didn't want to eat them.

"So you're Larsa Solidor. So Fran, I didn't know you were bisexual." Jerry said.

"Larsa's a boy. And don't ask me if I'm sure, because seriously, I got proof. I used to think he was a girl too." Fran said.

"So you slept with a child?"

"No. We didn't have sex. We just engaged in foreplay. It was his idea. He's VERY advanced for his age. I like how small his hands are, he probably could've gotten his whole hand in there if he wanted to, but he didn't want to see how many fingers he could get up there, just… well, and then he used baby carrots. He got 14 up there. I don't know how. Then I kept the carrots once I got them out, and I think Balthier ate them a few days ago."

"WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT I ATE WERE _THOSE_ CARROTS, DID YOU?!" Balthier yelled. Fran nodded happily.

"So if you're pregnant, Larsa doesn't have to worry?" Jerry asked.

"He probably isn't developed enough to get a girl pregnant anyhow."

"Fran, that is incredibly rude!" Larsa snapped.

"I am only speaking the truth. Once you're seventeen we'll talk about it. It would've been incredibly wrong to take a twelve-year-old's virginity. I didn't lose mine until I was about sixty."

Al-Cid started saying something about how, if Fran wanted, he could take her to Rozzaria to live with him as a royal consort. Fran rolled her eyes. Once with Sir Talksalot was bad enough. He had made more than just her vagina sore, that was for sure! He talked so much that Fran's bunny ears rang for hours. She couldn't stand his voice and especially not right in her ears!

"What is wrong with me?" Al-Cid asked the Viera.

"Vaan was better than you, and he was pretty bad. Why can't you shut up for a change? It felt like my ears were bleeding, and you aren't exactly the world's greatest lover either. If I have your child, I don't know what I'll do. I think I'll send it to you to take care of and never go near you again."

"Viera blood is valuable. There are only a few thousand pure Viera left. And considering who I am. If you had my child, he or she would be most valuable and precious to all of Ivalice!"

"Yeah. Fran wants the baby to be mine, because I'm hot!" Vaan exclaimed.

"Mother Wood, Vaan you are not hot! You should go gay, 'cause I feel sorry for the girls who will have to have sex with you! It was very unpleasant, and I'm not doing it again until you learn how to do it right! Gods you're stupid!" Fran hissed.

"I wish I could help Larsa put carrots up Fran's pussy. Hey, Ashe, guess what? Want to hear a funny word?" Penelo asked.

"Go to hell." Ashe growled.

"Pussy-willow! That's probably another favourite tree for Fran to sleep with!"

"Wow. You're even more perverted than Vaan. You should sleep with Fran."

"No. We're not lesbians. Well, I'm not, and Fran hasn't been known to sleep with a woman even though I bet she'd do it if there were enough carrots involved. Boy, does she love carrots."

"You're as bad as Vaan!"

"I'm glad Fran didn't sleep with my Larsa. He gets to put carrots up my snizz someday!"

Penelo then took a big slurp of her beer, and started belching the ABCs. Ashe wanted so badly to hit her in the head with a crowbar and knock her out.

"Penelo, I'm watching TV here. Go play in the sewers. Vaan would probably love to help once he gets back from telling the world how far he shoved various things up a Viera's vagina. Like broccoli, because it reminds Fran of trees."

"See, Viera need to start breeding like rabbits or we won't survive." Fran was saying, Basch rubbing her back. At least she liked him. Not as much as Balthier, but he was good too.

"Are there male Viera?" Jerry asked. Fran nodded.

"Sure. There aren't a lot of them, but there are male Viera. My sister Jote used to sneak them into the village and have sex with them. I don't know why she never got pregnant. Maybe she'll someday have little Viera."

"Did you ever sleep with them?"

"No. I like Humes and other things. Moogles are kind of fuzzy, but they aren't bad. I didn't like the Bangaas, and the Seeqs… out of the question. NEVER again. I'm sticking to Humes and Moogles. Male Viera aren't kinky enough for me. And Vaan is awful."

"Hey! Why don't you like me? Come here and play with my wiener! Just give me another chance!" Vaan yelled. Fran went over and slapped him.

"You imbecile! There is NO way I'm giving you a handjob! You can forget it, Mr. Oh-My-Gods-Fran-Does-My-Tiny-Penis-Hurt-You-When-It-Goes-In-You!" Fran yelled.

"We're bleeping that." Jerry said.

"Hey Jerry! Want to hear something funny?" Vaan asked. He grabbed the mic.

"Not really."

"Okay! Valve valve valve valve penis!" Vaan shouted into the microphone and It broke the windows and sent a sonic boom breaking every piece of glass in town. Fran's ears bled. Ashe and Penelo swore to kill Vaan when he got back.

"Did we bleep that? No? Oh my. This will be bad. I hope I don't get cancelled."

"Fran, when we get out of here, I'm gonna have to do you." Balthier said.

"Okay!" The Viera exclaimed happily. She left for a few minutes, and returned with a huge trampoline, which she nailed Vaan over the head with. Vaan's head was right through the trampoline.

"Lookit me! I'm a Dalmascan frilled lizard! And this lizard is hungry for hot Viera!" Vaan said. Fran took out a coeurl-and-grapefruit sandwich and started eating. Everybody knew not to bug her while she was eating.

"I think she's having cravings." Balthier said.

"Yeah. That settles the question of whether or not she's pregnant. She's gonna have my little bunny-eared baby." Vaan said.

"It's mine!" Basch argued.

"I sleep with Fran almost every night. If she's having a child, I'm the father!" Balthier yelled.


	6. Chapter 6

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**This chapter will get even more disturbing and raunchy than the last five! The Lisa thanks everybody for the reviews, and wants loads more. She wants to make this story fairly long.**

"Vaan, we really do not want to hear any more about your extremely small ding-dong!" Fran yelled.

"Fran, it's not extremely small! And I'm sure Larsa's is smaller!" Vaan replied.

"I'm only twelve." Larsa reminded him.

"And like Balthier and Basch are much better."

"Yes, they sure are. Especially Balthier. You're just pathetic Vaan. Not even Penelo would be impressed with you." The Viera teased.

"I'm still not going gay!"

"You'd have to pay me five million gil to make me consider sleeping with you again. And I seriously doubt you're the father of my child… if I am having one. The test still hasn't come back yet."

"Can I borrow the mic again?" Vaan asked.

"Not after that valve comment." Jerry remarked.

"Okay!" Vaan snatched the microphone. "Price check on tampons!"

Fran was confused. "What are these tampons?"

"We're not talking about it. Let's just say you'd enjoy playing with them." Balthier told the Viera.

"Tell meeee!"

"Absolutely not!"

"I'll ask Ashe and Penelo then! They'd be glad to tell me!"

"Don't be so sure. Fine! I'll whisper it to you! But if you repeat it, I won't have sex with you more than once a month!"

Balthier whispered something in Fran's ear. Fran giggled, which was strange because she hardly ever laughs and then asked Balthier if he'd buy her some. Balthier told her they were for another reason, absolutely not for her personal amusement. If she wanted to shove something up her pussy, she'd have to use other objects. Like carrots.

"Now that we've recovered from that comment Mr. Vaan…" Jerry began, glaring at Vaan, who was being tied to a chair by security so he couldn't grab the mic or do anything that ended up not being bleeped by accident. "Let's get on with the show! So Frances, about how many times a week do you make love?"

"About twice a day, and if you call me Frances one more time, I'll use you for target practice once I find out where your security bastards hid my bow! How do you call it 'making love' anyhow? Love has nothing to do with it, except when Balthier wants it, and then it might have a little to do with love on his part! I don't understand love all that well. Love is not something Viera get. We feel it for our families, but not usually for our mates. We just mate to have little Viera. I once caught my sister having sex with this one male Viera jerk… I was blinded for three days after that."

"You don't need to constantly shock us with obscene comments!"

"Yes I do! One time I shoved a giant cigarette up my pussy it a Malboro brand cigarette." Fran yelled.

"How big?" Jerry asked.

"It was huge and believe me I had a really hard time putting _that_ in!"

"No, tell me the actual size of it!" Jerry exclaimed.

"Well, it was the size of a tree branch—a full sized tree branch—and as wide as a roll of film."

"It wasn't a real cigarette Jerry. It was a novelty toy I bought for her in Balfonheim! You know, something she could slide up her pussy all day so she would stop asking me for continual sex or using the food. I'm tired of everything tasting like Viera." Balthier explained.

"Do you have a problem with how I taste?" Fran asked, looking offended.

"It's not okay that every piece of food on the _Strahl_ tastes like it's been up a Viera's snizz."

"It tastes like that because it _has_ been up my snizz!"

"I'm not eating anything you fix for me again. No more carrot juice, none of your 'homemade' pickles, and no banana splits!"

"I'll eat the pickles and the bananas, and I'll have a glass of carrot juice to drink!" Vaan yelled.

"Yes you will, because you've got the hots for me and will do whatever I ask!" Fran exclaimed happily.

"Fran, you're an idiot. You belong with stupid Vaan here!" Balthier yelled.

"I most certainly am _not_ an idiot! I'm smarter than you!"

"Fran, your test came back." Jerry said. Fran's ears twitched. Jerry was about to reveal the test results. Then they'd figure out if there was a problem or not.


	7. Chapter 7

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**I don't know what to say. More reviews would be nice. And I like that about 500 hits have been made. At least I know somebody is reading this. I haven't gotten any requests yet, but I am still taking 'em. And I have a request for Flame Rising: Get carpal tunnel syndrome so you can't type anymore! You are **_**not**_** funny! You aren't even human! Ahhahahahaha!! Victory is mine. **

"So, what are the results?" Fran asked, very nervous.

"It's… positive." Jerry replied. Balthier looked shocked. Larsa fainted.

"Oh my gods! Fran really is going to have little bunny-eared babies!" Vaan squealed, sounding a lot like an excited girl. He ran over and hugged Fran, who got very mad.

"VAAN! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" The Viera roared.

"Don't get so stressed. Sheesh, damn mood swings."

"I've already told you I seriously doubt it's yours. Basch and Balthier are likely. I slept with Basch multiple times, and Balthier and I do it nearly every night. There are dozens of other Humes I mated with too."

"Are there lop-eared Viera or do they all have straight ears like yours?" Jerry asked Fran.

"Not that I know of. Well, when we're first born our ears don't stand up straight. It takes a few hours for that to happen. So I guess there are lop-eared Viera, but it never lasts for long." Fran explained.

Vaan pulled a bunny-ear headband out of nowhere. He put it on. "See? Now I'm a Viera too. And Viera can't cross with Humes, so I'm the father."

"Gods Vaan. You are a complete idjit. Bunny ear headband or not, you're still a Hume. And I've never slept with a male Viera, but I'm pregnant, so obviously Humes and Viera can crossbreed."

Penelo was excited too. "Wow! Balthier is gonna be a daddy!" She cried.

"It's possibly not his, Penelo." Ashe reminded the teenager.

"Well, at least there is no chance that it's Larsa's, since he never slept with Fran. And besides, even if it isn't Balthier's child, he'd probably help Fran take care of it. Fran is his best-friend-with-benefits after all. I'm sure he wouldn't leave her or make her give up her child."

"Just watch. It's probably going to either be Vaan's or Al-Cid's. I wouldn't care if it's Basch's, even though I do care about him. Fran would be happy with Balthier or Basch."

"Hey Ashe! I can make vulgar sounds with my arms!" Penelo happily screamed

"Penelo no!!"

Meanwhile, Fran had stopped paying attention and was remembering when she found out what was under Crispy the Clown's baggy clothes. And she engaged in balloon bestiality. She shoved a balloon animal up her snizz. This all had happened two weeks ago, so she didn't have to worry about that issue. Nonetheless, she still found it hilarious.

Fran pulled a pomegranate out of her top and began eating it whole. Not just the seeds, but the whole fruit.

A group marched in. It was Clan Centurio, led by Montblanc the Moogle. Another Viera was with him. Krjn was the Viera, and it was known she really liked Montblanc. Maybe even loved him. Krjn wasn't wearing her armour for once. She looked like any normal Viera.

"It takes 48 hours to do this test. We'll have it done." Balthier said.

"Kupo?" Montblanc wondered.

"Yes, I think we should test you too. I've never heard of a Moogle crossing with a Viera, but I suppose it might be possible." Fran added happily.

Balthier took out a cup of tea from nowhere and began drinking. He still couldn't believe what Fran had done. She was never like this before. It had just been recently she had gotten strange. And really horny. Was this a normal thing for Viera? When they got to a certain age, did they change this drastically? Jote seemed normal, but maybe she had learned to control it. Of course, Fran did say her sister used to bring Viera males home and mate with them all the time. Would Mjrn become like that one day?

"Can you think of something besides tea?" Basch asked.

"Well, no matter who is the father, I will take care of Fran and the kids forever."

"That's what I want to talk about. Montblanc and I are friends. Nobody messes with him and gets away with it." Krjn growled.

"Nobody messes with anybody with a Viera's heart and gets away with it! But that isn't what happened here. Montblanc consented to it. It is his fault as much as mine. I am sorry Krjn." Fran replied.

"You little slut! Leave Monty alone!"

"He consented!"

"Can somebody break these two up before they kill each other?" Vaan asked.


	8. Chapter 8

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**The Lisa has some very twisted ideas, and here they are! The results of the amnio are finally revealed.**

Two days later…

"There could be multiple fathers." Fran remarked.

"What do you mean?" Jerry asked.

"Viera reproduce in litters. I have more than just the two sisters, but my littermates and other siblings don't care. I have a few brothers too. I have multiple babies in here."

"How many?" Vaan wondered.

"Five or six. I don't know yet. The test will tell you." Fran said, pulling broccoli out of nowhere. "Look at this! I have a mini chestnut tree!" Then she took all her clothes off. The security went nuts. Fran wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"Good lord Fran! Do not put that up your pussy! You're pregnant!" Balthier yelled.

"But my babies are hungry! They need it!" Fran argued.

"No Fran. Our babies are fed through their connection to you. You just want an excuse to put something up your vagina!"

"But Balthier, it feels really good!"

"I know, but you can't do anything that might hurt our children."

"Can we have sex later?"

"Maybe. I think so. The way you shove things up there though… I'm worried you'll hurt our babies."

"And what do you mean OUR babies? They're my babies! They're somebody else's too, but I don't know who yet!"

"No matter who the father is, I'll help you take care of them, so they might as well be mine."

"Awww! Fran's going to have babies! That is so cute! Little tiny Viera! Oh, I wonder when they'll start kicking! I hope they have bunny ears, just like their mommy!" Penelo gushed.

"Poor Fran. I mean, one is bad enough, but a litter? Wow. She's gonna be huge. I wonder how a Viera feeds more than two. I think she only has two nipples. And about the kicking… I don't know about the kits, but I wanna do some kicking. I'll kick your little rear right out of Dalmasca." Ashe muttered.

"Ashe, you have such a dirty mind!"

"Wow. Lots of babies. Are you sure you can take care of that many?" Jerry asked.

"I don't know. These vulnerable little lives in my womb need their fathers too." Fran muttered. She had put her clothes back on and was eating another carrot.

"I can't believe Fran has tiny little Vieras inside her." Vaan said happily.

"I still don't think they're your little Viera." Fran said, narrowing her eyes at Vaan threateningly.

"Sure they are! You're going to have little blond Viera!"

"Maybe, but they'll probably be Basch's in that case."

"Can you feel them?"

"Vaan, they're lumps of cells the size of thumbtacks at this point. She isn't too far along. It will be a while before they start moving." Balthier growled.

"A long time. And in the meantime, that means shoving carrots, USB sticks, miniature trees, tree roots, cigarettes, cucumbers, and any variety of pencils up my snizz won't hurt anything." Fran stated happily.

"Are we going to find out whom the fathers are or are we going to sit here staring at my cute face, kupo?" Montblanc asked.

"Okay. Fran… I don't know if this is good news or bad news, but this here says you're carrying more than five kits." Jerry said. Fran looked interested.

"How many little brats are going to be wrecking the _Strahl_?" Balthier asked sarcastically.

Fran looked over Jerry's shoulder and got upset "Twenty-one? Is that even possible? One Viera had about fifteen once, but she died. Oh gods! Am I gonna die?"

"That's a twelve, Frances."

"What have I said about calling me that? MY! NAME! IS! NOT! FRANCES!" Fran roared. Then she smiled. "Twelve? That's wonderful! Now I'm gonna dance the Wango!"

"Whatever that is, it had better not be sexual. At least not until later. Fran, if it is sexual, you can teach me later." Basch said.

"It's between a waltz and a tango." Fran explained, dancing. She grabbed Balthier and tried to get him dancing.

"Look Ashe! I'm dancing a wango too! Who could've thought Fran could teach ME a new dance!" Penelo yelled, dancing like an idiot.

"Penelo, do you know how to do a dance called 'getting hit 100 times with a crowbar?'" Ashe asked with something behind her back.

"How does that go?"

"SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" Ashe screeched, pulling out a crowbar from behind her back and proceeding to chase Penelo with it. Penelo raced around the room, her shirt snagged on a nail, but Penelo kept running with her shirt off, knocking everything over.

"Feeeeeel the wiiiiind!" Penelo cried happily, running outside in nothing but a bra.

"Okay Fran. In the case of the first child… Balthier, you ARE the father." Jerry announced.

"Well, that's good. At least one of her kids is going to have reason to be on the Strahl." Balthier said.

"Number two… Basch is the father."

"I knew at least one of them would be." Basch said.

"Number three and four: Vaan."

"Whoa, wait just a sec. I have TWO from Vaan?" Fran asked.

"Yay! DNA doesn't lie Fran! Now we can get married, and when you have another litter, they can all be mine!" Vaan cried happily.

"Number five: Balthier."

"Two for Balthier. I'm gonna marry him. In your stupid face, Vaan! FIRAGA!" Fran yelled. The spell missed Vaan and hit Jerry. He wasn't hurt too bad, but the test results were burnt to a crisp.

"I guess that means we'll have to test them all once those brats crawl their way out of our favourite bunny, kupo. Shame too. I wanted to know now if Fran was carrying the heir to Clan Centurio. Now look at me because I'm SO DAMN CUTE! Kupopo!" Monty called out.

"If you want babies that badly I can have your litter, Monty. And we won't have to get a test done, because you'll know they're yours." Krjn the Viera said.

"My magic still works! Yay!" Fran exclaimed happily.


	9. Chapter 9

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**Thank you for the reviews. Fear not, more madness to come!**

Fran did not seem upset about having destroyed the test results. She was just happy her magic still worked, even though she had twelve little half-Viera draining her mana. Viera did need a certain amount of Mist, even before they were born.

"So you aren't mad about the Viera and the tree roots?" Jerry asked Balthier.

"No. It isn't hurting anybody and it isn't like she can get diseases or get pregnant from that. It makes her feel good. I've done some things like that before. Once, when I was seventeen, I drilled a hole in a chair and humped it. Now I just hump Fran. Almost every night, even though she doesn't seem to get enough, which is why she's having 12 babies to different fathers. If she wasn't so horny all the babies would be mine."

"But she was horny, and now she's having at least two of my kids." Vaan added.

"Don't remind me." Fran hissed. She pulled a whole bottle of pills out of her pocket.

"Fran! Don't eat those! You'll kill the babies!" Balthier yelled.

"Viera are immune to this. This is Prozac." Fran said. She ate a few dozen of the pills. Everybody hoped Fran was right, or she and her babies would all die. "Basch? Did you bring the summer sausage like I asked?"

Basch gave Fran the sausage. The Viera took her clothes off again, and was immediately restrained. She got angry, attacked security, and managed to jam that sausage up her vagina, even though it looked very painful.

"One time I asked Fran about baby Viera, but she didn't bother to tell me that Viera reproduce in litters. Or that they come out with lop ears." Balthier said.

"I want to watch Fran have baby Vieras. I don't imagine she'd be too thrilled though." Penelo said. She was yanking up roots of one of her plants.

"What are you doing with those?" Ashe asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Making real root beer. With alcohol." Penelo said happily.

"That isn't the kind of plant you use in root beer! You were trying to copy Fran and put those up your vagina, weren't you? I knew this show was too mature for you!"

"Can I find a male Viera and bring him here and have sex with him? I want to have little Viera just like Fran."

"Penelo, _this is your house_!!! You can do whatever the fuck you want here when I'm not visiting! I'm just using your TV because you and that stupid bastard Vaan broke mine last week watching—and acting out might I add—that stupid show Jackass and I haven't gotten a new one yet!" Ashe screamed, VERY angry.

"I'm gonna force Vaan to change his last name to Jackass. I don't like that name at all but that's okay because I'm gonna marry Larsa and have wild affairs with male Viera until I get pregnant and have half-Viera like Fran. Only I won't have a huge litter of them because I'm not a female Viera."

"Gods, I hate you."

Fran was very pleased when she managed to get that whole sausage up her pussy. Mot everybody else was just revolted. Male audience members were delighted to see parts of Viera female anatomy very few Humes (and a few other races such as Moogles here and there) ever saw.

"Good Wood, that hurt, but it was worth it. Gods, reminds me of Montblanc's penis." Fran moaned.

"FRAN! That MOOGLE could not have possibly had a penis as wide as that summer sausage! Nono is his brother! And Nono certainly isn't like that! We do have threesomes, remember?" Balthier yelled.

"My brother takes after my grandfather on my mother's side. I take after my father, kupo." Montblanc said.

"He sure does." Krjn purred.

"I'm sure you'll eventually be blessed with a litter of little half-Viera half-Moogle kits of your own Krjn! Maybe a dozen of them! Then we can both be mommies!" Fran said happily. She pulled the sausage out and secretly put it in Balthier's pocket.

"This gets better and better. Fran? This had better be a different sausage than the one you just violated yourself with!" Balthier yelled.

"Oh, of course not! Basch gave me two sausages. One to put up my pussy, and one for you because you're tired of everything tasting like my snizz."

Balthier ate the sausage and Fran started giggling like a maniac. "Ha! Fooled you! Look! There's no sausage up my snatch anymore! You just ate another Viera-flavoured treat!"

"You are the meanest bunny I've ever met. And the horniest. Behave yourself or I won't have sex with you every night anymore!"

"I need a drink. And it has to be something that's good for me and my twelve babies." Fran said. She pulled a bottle of Fuze out of her top and drank the whole thing in seconds.

"Fran, I said no more of your weird behaviours or I am not going to sleep with you every night. And I know you'd hate that. You want to have about ten litters, don't you?"

"Hey, I've only been pregnant a short time, but it's been nice to have all this attention and everything. And I haven't been the slightest bit sick. You need to knock me up again after I have the 12 kits. I'm now officially the Viera you can hump just because you're the last remaining member of your family and want to pass the bloodline on."

Tidus came out of nowhere and walked up on stage. Vaan got interested.

"Hey! You look like me! Maybe we're cousins!" Vaan said happily.

"Trees is your cousins chico." Fran said in a profoundly stupid (and grammatically challenged) way.

"Does that mean Viera are our cousins too?"

"Of course it does!" Fran yelled. She cast Holy, vapourizing Tidus and singeing Vaan.

"Aww… I liked him. Did you have to kill him?"

"He was ticking me off. Balthier? Get over here and have sex with me NOW!"

"No. Not until later." Balthier said.

"We've been on this show a few times within the past week. I just want to go home and put anything I want up my snatch, and then we can have wild sex."

"Fran, no. We are gonna have sex, but I'm gonna have to be gentle. You're pregnant with twelve babies, and I'm not gonna do anything that could hurt them. Some of them are mine after all."

Vaan waltzed over to Fran and slid a deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards right in between her impressive breasts. Fran slapped him across the face.

"Don't touch me unless I say so!" The Viera roared.

"Mr. Vaan, that was unnecessary." Jerry remarked.

"Can I touch you?" Balthier asked.

"Wait until tonight." Fran said slyly.


	10. Chapter 10

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**Seriously, why does it highlight obviously bogus websites that don't even make any sense? Who ever heard of .Moron?**

"Fran, I seriously don't think you could possibly fit a palm pilot up there, let alone a laptop!" Balthier yelled.

"Can and will." The Viera hissed, holding a laptop. (**My dead one. I have a brand new one now. -- Lisa**).

"Where did she get that? Take it from her! She's going to kill her babies if she tries to put that in her!" Jerry yelled.

"Touch me and they won't even find your shadow. Want to join Mister Tidus in the Vapourized by a Viera Club?"

"Nobody wants to hurt you. We just don't want you to kill your twelve babies."

"Fran, I really hope all your daughters don't turn out like you. I couldn't stand it if I never eat anything that isn't Viera-flavoured again." Balthier remarked.

"I want my daughters to be just like me. They're part Viera, so they should act like Viera!" Fran yelled. Then she shouted a string of curses in Viera language, so nobody understood her swearing and it wasn't bleeped.

Vaan took the laptop and kicked it. It started up and he sat there playing Runescape. "Look! I just gained a magic level! And I still have 7,000 mind runes, 7,000 air runes, and a fire staff!"

"Ooooh runes. I like runes. Viera are good with runes. I got in trouble once for putting Jote's favourite runes up my snizz. Hey! I see no runes! I see a stupid computer and a stupid boy playing a stupid game!"

"Fran, there are no real runes right now. Just in the game. My magic level is now 2!"

"I'll show you magic level!" Fran screeched. She shoved a whole head of lettuce down Vaan's throat. "And by the way? That lettuce has been up my pussy too!"

"I have cabbage in this. Do Viera like cabbage?"

"No. I want carrots."

Vaan grabbed the mic once again. This time instead of yelling out the obnoxious sex phrase du jour, he belched really loud and sent another sonic boom through town. But somehow the laptop didn't get any more broken than it already was. And then Vaan said the obnoxious sex phrase of the day: "Attention audience members: Testicles. That is all. And Free tampons at www.VaanSux.Moron."

"I want those." Fran said, a weird look on her face.

"Why don't you just use candy canes instead? Or don't you do the same thing two years in a row? Just keep my cookies away from your vagina. I swear, twelve babies or not, I'll kill you if you do that to my cookies! Bunansa secret recipes do not call for the results tasting strangely like the inside of a Viera's pussy!" Balthier warned.

"Can I leave beer for Santa again?" Fran asked.

"Santa does not leave gifts for bad little Viera who violate themselves."

"So no more sex toys like that giant Malboro cigarette for me?"

"You're a very bad bunny!"

"Fran still believes in Santa? Sheesh, what is she, five?" Ashe wondered sarcastically. Penelo was bound and gagged nearby. The teenager knew sign language, but Ashe had her hands tied behind her back.

(I can communicate telepathically Ashe! Isn't that cool?) Penelo thought.

"Oh my gods! I can't escape your stupidity no matter what can I?!"

(Ha! I win round 472!)

"Why did they have to leave me with you? Why did Vaan have to go? He would've just played Runescape!"

(He had to go because he knocked Fran up.)

"I'm with Balthier. I'm interested in tasting the Bunansa secret recipe cookies. Fran had better not mess with them."

"Hey Vaan? What is that game now?" Fran asked, looking over Vaan's shoulder.

"A game I found on a stupid site. It's called 'Jamming grenades up an innocent Viera's pussy.' It's about killing Viera. You get unlimited grenades. You try to fit as many up there before they blow and the Viera dies. The Viera looks a lot like you. My record is 24 grenades."

"That's a racist game and Viera are not sex toys! How do I sign in?" Fran asked.

"Apparently, the Viera is a virgin, so the grenades are harder to get in."

"Vaan! Get off the pornographic game site NOW!" Jerry yelled.

"Balthier is gonna get one hell of an Easter basket in a year and a half. A basket full of baby rabbits. My babies should come out around that time. They'll be the baby rabbits. I probably won't even need to dress them up, because they'll already have bunny ears! One time Balthier taught me about hell. He says that's where I'm going because I'm a bad Viera and he doesn't think Viera even have souls, but we do. Hell yes. Hell hell hell hell…" Fran started singing.


	11. Chapter 11

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Fran had managed to convince Vaan to find a garden hose. And she had taken one end of said hose and had pushed it into herself quite far. Vaan was also helping her push it in and out of her pussy. Security (and cameras) had long since been disposed of, so Fran was pretty much free to continue her behaviour. Only Jerry and a few audience members were left besides the Viera and her friends.

"So what do I do with the other end?" Vaan asked.

"Something that doesn't involve hooking it up to a water line and killing Fran's kits." Balthier replied.

"So hooking it up and sending water through my snizz would kill my babies?" Fran wondered.

"OF COURSE IT WOULD!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE?!"

"A lot and I'll admit one thing: it's far better than continuously telling me how I don't have a soul since I'm not a Hume. Viera do _so_ have souls! Hey! Look! A tiny digital camera! Once I am done with the hose, this gets to go up the Viera tunnel of love."

"Fran, one of these days something is gonna get stuck up there and you're not going to like how you're gonna have to get it out."

"I used tweezers to get the baby carrots out."

"Yes, she indeed did. And she had me watch." Larsa added. Fran was still moving the hose in and out of her vagina, and it looked like it was pleasant. The Viera was making her purring noises. Then she cried out and stopped moving the hose for a while.

"Are we quite finished?" Balthier asked the Viera. Fran nodded and pulled the hose out.

"Gives me an empty feeling." Fran said sadly.

"Just watch it. You're full of kits, and we don't want anything to happen to a single one of them."

"Yes, I do love my little kittens already. All twelve of them."

"Reks had a pet kitten once, his name was Mr. Whiskers. He used to scratch me a lot, and he hissed at me. He didn't like me. So I let him outside one day and he ran away. Reks was very angry. Two years later I saw a big mean alley cat and it looked just like Mr. Whiskers and it attacked me. It escaped, and I had to get a rabies shot." Vaan said.

"We're not talking about your brother's cat, Vaan!" Fran growled.

"I remember Reks's kitten! He only hated Vaan because Vaan chased him, and pulled his tail, and cut his fur off, and would try to give him baths!" Penelo yelled. She had managed to get free once more, and had tied Ashe up so she could misbehave.

"Penelo, when I get free, you're toast." Ashe snapped.

Fran had gotten ahold of mushrooms and had eaten a bunch. She assured Balthier and everybody else it wouldn't hurt her kits, but it would make her hallucinate. She began chasing Vaan around, thinking he was a fluffy husky. And she kept moving as far as she could away from Balthier, seeing him as a male Viera who wanted nothing more than to hump her.

"Fran, calm down. That is not a furry husky, that is Vaan. And Mr. Balthier is not a Viera." Jerry reasoned.

"You stay out of this, talking corn-on-the-cob!"

"Fran, calm down and clam the kupo up!" Montblanc snarled.

"Listen to me, Cool Whip container, I don't listen to corn, or huskies, or male Vieras, and I sure as hell am not listening to whipped cream!"

"Fran, come on. You know that is just Monty. I think you're quite ridiculous!" Krjn yelled at the other Viera.

"You're still a Viera? Sheesh, I need more 'shrooms if you haven't turned into something crazy yet."

"I don't know much about kittens. I've never had them, even though someday I might like to, and my sister Ktjn takes care of some of the children in town. Anyhow, I don't think eating those mushrooms is good for those little kits."

"They're fine! My mother told me she used to eat these while she was carrying me and my nine littermates, and look how I turned out!" Fran cried happily.

Fran was seeing everything as a weird cartoon, with a bunch of happy little bunnies hopping around with machine guns, and a sun with sunglasses and candy everywhere. Fran saw one of the audience seats as a big marshmallow and wanted to eat it.

"Don't stare at me too long or you'll go blind!" The sun said. It was really Al-Cid asking if the pregnant Viera was alright. The mushrooms were even affecting the Viera's long fuzzy bunny ears at this point, so she was hearing things like this.


	12. Chapter 12

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Flashback from a few days ago…

"Balthier? I don't see any scallions." Fran yelled.

"I'm making chicken soup, and it had better not turn into VIERA soup!" Balthier yelled back.

"Ha. He doesn't even know that I did find the scallions, but they're up my pussy, just like everything else Balthier uses. I hope I am pregnant, I think I might be, so I can have an excuse to behave badly and Balthier can't do anything about it."

End flashback…

"Fran, I have had it with your behaviour!" Balthier yelled.

"It's hormones. I'm full of kits. I can't help it. Considering you guys are the ones who knocked me up, blame yourselves."

"But Viera are so cute! We can't be mad that there are going to be more Viera in the world! And I've always wanted to get a Viera pregnant so I could be the father of some cute little kittens; I just kinda hoped that the mother would be Mjrn." Vaan said.

"Vaan, if you have sex with my sister, I'll kill you. I don't care if she consents or not. Or even if it results in her having a litter. I'll totally destroy you."

"But I want Mjrn to have lots of little babies, so your kits can have cousins!"

"Mjrn can have a litter with a male Viera."

Vaan got the bunny ear headband out again. "Now can I sleep with Mjrn? I'm a male Viera now."

"Balthier, remember how you hid your favourite candy in a place you said I'd never find them?" Fran asked with a sly grin.

"Fran, they had better not be anywhere _near_ your secret compartment."

"Hey Balthier? Do you think it would be hot if Mjrn slept with Jote?" Vaan asked.

"That's disgusting! They're sisters, and they aren't lesbians! Jote has sex with male Viera only!"

"What if I got Jote drunk and dressed Mjrn up like a male Viera?"

"Vaan, enough with that! That's really disturbing. Drunk or not, Jote would probably notice that Mjrn has female parts."

"I just want to make kittens with Mjrn so bad."

"The last thing my sister needs is a bunch of half-Hume kits. She has been trying to have a litter, which has made Jote upset with her because it's not a good idea, but if she gets pregnant by a Hume; it would be even less good for her." Fran hissed.

"Darn, so Mjrn isn't a virgin. I was hoping so. Then she wouldn't care how bad I am because she wouldn't know any better."

"Yeah Vaan. Mjrn has probably slept with about a dozen male Viera already. She'd probably have no interest in you at all. And I'll say it again: put any part of yourself into my sister, and I swear I'll kill you!"

"I think it's really more of Mjrn's choice whether or not somebody kills me. She might like me."

"Vaan, the only way you'd have a chance of being with Mjrn is if you forced yourself on her, and that's why I'd kill you!" Fran growled. She took out a package of candy. "I got a package of Skittles. Want to see how many I can slip into the Viera tunnel of love?"

"If it was Mjrn, I'd love to see that. You aren't as cute and cuddly." Vaan remarked.

"Can we get off the subject of Fran's sister already?" Balthier asked.

"Can you leave and let me get on with my show already?" Jerry wondered.

"20, 21, 22…" Fran counted as she slipped Skittles into her vagina.

"I can't stop thinking about Mjrn. If you get Fran, I should get her sister. Jote would never go near me, but maybe Mjrn would." Vaan said.

"I'm telling you Vaan, you really should go gay. Maybe you could get a male Viera. 29, 30, 31…"

"I don't want to go gay! I want to make it with Mjrn!"

"I like Vaan. Why does he want that stupid Viera Mjrn?" Penelo asked. The cameras were back on, but almost everything was being censored, especially Fran.

"Because you're annoying. I imagine Mjrn would be quiet and everything. And she probably would like Vaan more than Fran did. I suppose Vaan might have a better chance of getting Mjrn into bed than trying to sleep with Fran again." Ashe remarked.

"For Christmas, I want a flying saucer, a pen and pencil set, four eggrolls, a subscription to Chunky Puffs Quarterly, a box of Band-Aids, a big book, a…"

"Shut the hell up! I hope I get some duct tape, so I can shut you up!"

"Balthier, can we go to the sexateria this year?" Fran asked. She had managed to get 50 Skittles into herself.

"No. Not until you have the kittens. You'll be more amusing that way. And we can have somebody watch the kits." Balthier replied.

"And when we come back, I'll have more kits!"

"Oh no you don't! You're using protection!"

"Whatever that means."

"But tell you what, you idiot of a Viera. Behave yourself and next time we go to Balfonheim, I'll buy you more sex toys."


	13. Chapter 13

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer 

Vaan still wouldn't stop thinking about Mjrn, and making remarks about screwing her. Fran had gotten a jar of olives and was playing with them now.

Vaan ended up getting hard and ran off. Thoughts of Mjrn didn't help him at all. He was already getting edgy, seeing Fran put all manner of objects into her pussy, and continual thoughts of humping Mjrn had made him lose control and he got an erection. Fran giggled. She had seen what was going on.

"You know, Viera can come in heat whenever we want to. I wanted to, so that's why I'm having kits. It just lasts a while. I slept with Balthier quite a few times. I wouldn't be surprised if he sired more than just the two we know are his."

"I'm almost as bad as Vaan sometimes. I just don't sit there fantasizing about Fran's sister all the time. Just sometimes. And with me, it's Jote. She's hot." Balthier remarked.

"And it would be more likely for Vaan to get with Mjrn than you with Jote. Mjrn has even been so desperate to get pregnant that she's been trying to get Garif to go to the Wood and mate with her. She is a twisted little Viera. She hasn't learned how to throw herself into heat yet like I can. I don't even know if Jote can do it. Probably not, or she'd have cute little kittens of her own by now. She wants pure Viera kits though."

Basch sat down next to Fran. He was holding a box of crayons. Big crayons. Fran removed the olives and spread out her legs for Basch. Fran wanted Basch to slam his cock into her, but she'd settle for being filled with all eight of the crayons.

Balthier gave Fran some bubble wrap to keep the Viera quiet for a while, at least while Basch was working on her. Fran decided to bite the plastic and shredded it in minutes with her sharp Viera teeth. Then she ate it.

"That was not candy!" Balthier yelled. Fran just purred as Basch slid the last crayon into her.

Vaan came back in, apparently his problem was over. Fran called him over to her and whispered something in his ear.

"Fran, I am not going to lick your feet! Why would you want that? Your feet are dirty!" Vaan yelled in disgust.

"They're clean!" Fran insisted. Her pointed Viera feet were absolutely filthy.

"No they are not! What is that all over them? Were you trampling already-dead Moogles in the mud or what?"

"The mud part is right, but there weren't any dead Moogles, just dead chocobo chicks. Now lick and win free runes."

"Fran, the only way you'd have runes is if you were hiding them in your snatch this whole time, which, knowing you, is quite possible. Vaan doesn't have to lick your feet regardless." Balthier said.

"He licked my ears the night we made two of my kits." Fran growled.

"At least your ears are clean." Vaan remarked.

"That's what you think. I regularly roll in mud."

"Is that why you feel the need to bathe in perfume?"

"Right. Viera have never been known to stink. That's why we go and ritually feed our dead to the hellhounds within hours. We get rid of Viera corpses in the most sanitary way we can think of."

"I'm surprised you guys don't just cannibalize them, considering all the other stupid things you've said about Viera." Jerry remarked.

"I tried to once. Jote chained me to a tree for a week, and very nearly kicked me out right then and there." Fran stated, trying to get the crayons out with the hook-end of a clothes hanger.

"Feeding hellhounds dead Viera? That's really sick!" Penelo exclaimed.

"I suppose it's better than just leaving them there, but why don't the Viera think about burying their dead like the other races do?" Ashe wondered.

"I suppose that Viera figure it's the last thing they can do for the Wood when they die by providing food for her other creatures. It's still sickening. Bad images!"

"An intelligent answer?! Who are you and where is Penelo?"

Fran got out a container of Crisco and began slathering it all through her hair. She got mad at anybody who tried to take the canister away from her. She began styling her hair in interesting ways.

"Fran, do you have to play with Crisco now?" Balthier asked angrily, a new slash across his chest from him trying to take the Crisco away.

"It's not Crisco, it's my shampoo." Fran insisted.

"I'd lick Mjrn's feet. And the rest of her." Vaan remarked.

"For all we know, Mjrn could be full of kits too."


	14. Chapter 14

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**It's called a crackfic for a reason. And this chapter is especially rated M for Mjrn.**

Fran, being her typical bad Viera self, had stolen a credit card and was trying to force it into herself. It seemed to hurt her a little. She was making upset grunts.

"Fran, get rid of the card. It's hurting you, I can tell!" Balthier yelled.

"No! I'm going to join the grenade game, so I need to pay!" Fran cried angrily.

"Fran, that game has no membership option. Anybody can play it for free, but the laptop died again. No more dirty game for me or you." Vaan explained.

"Do all Viera act like this at a certain age or something?" Basch asked.

"It's usually only when we're in very strong heat or if we're pregnant. It's hormonal, and I don't mind. It's actually very unpleasant sometimes. We get these wildly intense sexual urges, almost irresistible." Fran said, sounding almost like her old self for a minute. Then she managed to get the card in and slumped happily.

Vaan got out some bright pink nail polish and began painting his fingernails. Fran began laughing hysterically.

"Vaan! That is for girls!" Balthier yelled.

"Really? Penelo and I paint our nails all the time! Fran, do Viera ever paint their nails?"

"Jote does sometimes. Mjrn just makes a mess when she tries."

"Funny you should mention Mjrn again." Jerry said.

"Oh no. Please don't tell me you dragged my sister here too!" Fran yelled.

"Yeah. Let's bring her out."

Mjrn was not used to a lot of lights and crowds. She completely freaked out. And security had a hard time calming her down. She started running around, yelling a bunch of nonsense. At least it was nonsense to everyone but Fran or somebody who understood Vieran language. The Viera acted almost as though she was high on the Mist, just not nearly as violent. Just… terrified at everything. And it didn't help when Vaan tackled her and began kissing her. And tickling her, and yelling "DO YOU WANT A CARROT?!" terrifying the Viera further.

"Vaan! Don't do that!" Balthier screamed. Security pulled Vaan off of the Viera and tied him to a chair again. Mjrn was lying on the ground, panting.

"Please… Vaan… I appreciate your affection… but not here." Mjrn managed to say. She seemed to be done throwing a fit. She got back up on her feet and went and sat next to her sister.

"Mjrn, are you okay?" Fran asked.

"Yeah. I was scared more than anything. I think we're fine."

"What do you mean 'we'?" Vaan asked.

"I mean me, and my eight kits. That's why I left the Wood and sought out my sister. I want to live with Fran. I need somebody to help me take care of my kits."

"How much of that is true?" Fran wondered.

"The part about the eight kits and that last part are true. Jote kicked me out. Me and her latest boyfriend. Constantly. He cheated on her and knocked me up. I wanted it, but Jote got very angry. I don't know where that male Viera went. He was really mad at me for getting him kicked out of the village. He said I should've made up some story about another male Viera being the father of my kits, but nobody can lie to Jote.

"Psst… Mjrn." Vaan whispered. Mjrn got interested and went over to him.

"What is it?" The young Viera asked.

"If you untie me, I'll do something really funny."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Do it and I'll give you some runes."

"OKAY!"

Mjrn slashed the ropes with her claws and Vaan instantly went and snagged the microphone again. He began belching out obscene comments. And nonsense. Mjrn pulled on her ears. Security grabbed Vaan and tied him up with stronger ropes. And told Mjrn not to let Vaan go again.

"Vaan, you're tied up because what you did to Mjrn was not only cruel, it could've caused her to miscarry her kits!" Balthier yelled.

"So you're going to have kits too?" Basch asked. Mjrn nodded happily. But she didn't understand that last word.

"Too?" The Viera looked confused.

"I've got twelve babies in me." Fran clarified.

"Mine are pure Viera, so that automatically means I'm not a slut, I'm a good Viera."

"How does making your sister's boyfriend hump you repeatedly qualify you as a good Viera?" Balthier asked.

"Because we made more pure Viera, not a bunch of half-breeds like Fran made with all of you."

Fran got out a cue stick from nowhere. Even she didn't know where she got all this stuff. She violated herself with it and asked Mjrn if she wanted to join her.

"HELL NO! GET THAT DAMN THING AWAY FROM ME!!" Mjrn screamed.

Fran pulled a coconut out of her shirt. "Who's up for smoothies?"

"Fran, where the fuck did that come from?"

"In between my huge breasts, like everything else."

"Can I please slap my bitchy sister across the face?"

"Mjrn, if I hear one more swear word, I'm gonna shove this cue stick up your rear! Who taught you these words?" Fran screeched.

"It was Jote! And if you put that anywhere other than my cunt, that's animal abuse! Mr. Balthier, can you protect me?"

Fran got really mad and hit Mjrn several times with the cue stick. "YOU DON'T GET TO TALK LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOT!"

"FRAN! STOP! YOU'RE GONNA KILL MY BABIES LIKE THAT! THEY'RE PURE VIERA, WHICH ARE BETTER THAN YOUR LITTLE HALF-BREED FREAKS, SO THEY NEED TO SURVIVE!!"

"Good gods! Mjrn is hard-core!" Penelo yelled happily, holding up a bottle of glue.

"That had better be hormonal, Mjrn I mean. She isn't like that at all. She's always been so polite, and here she is swearing like hell. I'm allowed to swear, but that Viera isn't. Sheesh, those hormones made Fran a dumbass and Mjrn the Bitch Queen." Ashe commented. Penelo squirted glue all over Ashe's hair.


	15. Chapter 15

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**All these stupid temporary files from nowhere are filling up my laptop, and it's making me mad as hell. Mjrn's behaviour and attitude are an extremely exaggerated version of my little sister Aimee's mannerisms.**

Mjrn seemed worse than Fran. And she was farther along too. She wasn't huge yet, but she was just starting to show. Vaan and Fran didn't know how they hadn't noticed sooner.

Fran had gotten a package of Slim Jims, and was playing her favourite game again: see what manners of objects the sick Viera can put inside her pussy. Mjrn was getting really ticked off at her and hurled a chair. It missed Fran, who seemed oblivious to everything her sister was doing. Mjrn was getting really mad, and she got even angrier when security tried to restrain her.

"GIVE ME THOSE WOOD-DAMNED SLIM JIMS AND STOP PUTTING THINGS UP YOUR CUNT!!" Mjrn screamed.

"Don't start swearing again." Jerry warned.

"I'm not listening to you, stupid Hume son-of-a-bitch."

"Where the heck did you learn this kind of language?" Balthier asked the younger Viera.

"I already told you r-tard! Jote taught me!"

"Mjrn, I love you and I don't mind if you swear all the time. Wanna do it?" Vaan asked.

"Sounds bitching, I think it's a good idea. Yeah, we can screw later."

"Vaan, I already told you that if you sleep with my sister, I'll kill you." Fran growled.

Mjrn started eating a bunch of chocolate. Balthier asked her if he could have some, since he was tired of everything he ate tasting like Viera. Mjrn seemed really offended at that until Balthier explained that every piece of food Fran found went straight up her vagina.

"Fran, I'm happy I left. I don't believe in the spirits of the Wood anymore. The Wood never spoke to me. I think Jote and mom and the other Viera leaders made up all that stuff about her so we'd worship her. There is no justice in this world, and especially not for Viera. Nothing we do matters. That's why I seduced Jote's boyfriend. If it feels good, do it. And it did feel good. And it will probably feel good to hump Vaan." Mjrn explained. Fran went over next to her and kissed her.

"You've calmed down quite a bit." Fran remarked.

"Yes. The chocolate helps. The truth is that Jote didn't exactly kick me out. I left for multiple reasons. I told her I didn't worship the Wood and she got mad, and then she got REALLY mad when she found out her boyfriend had knocked me up, and she seemed ready to kill me when you showed up with the stuffed Malboro. I left the next day, and made my way here."

"I don't know if it would be a good idea for Vaan to sleep with you."

"You're carrying twelve kits, and you obviously had sex with Balthier this morning. I can smell it all over you. I only have eight kits in me, unless you killed some of them with your wild whacking with that cue stick."

"You're three months further along than me!"

"It's fine. I read stuff that said it was fine as long as we were careful. It's only my sixth month, and we have a year-and-a-half gestation. The kits aren't very big yet. You can barely tell I'm pregnant yet. Wood, my hormones are through the roof."

"Mjrn! If you don't believe in the Wood, you don't get to use her name in vain or at all!"

"The Wood is real, Fran. I just don't believe in the spirits of it."

"I love you so much Mjrn." Vaan repeated.

"Okay. Next time I want a litter, I'll let you hump me repeatedly."

Penelo was attempting to kiss Ashe. She had seen Fran kiss Mjrn and was trying to imitate her.

"Penelo! NO! That was different! Fran and Mjrn are sisters, and I think it might be a Viera thing! You're probably swimming with disease, and it would make you a lesbian!" Ashe yelled.

"Ashe, I've been thinking…" Penelo began.

"That's a first."

"Well, maybe I am lesbian. I have such awful luck with men, I wanted to see Fran's breasts, and now I have the irresistible desire to kiss you."

"Penelo, you wanted to sleep with Larsa and a male Viera. You aren't lesbian."

"Larsa looks like a girl; and from what I've heard about boy Viera, they resemble the females."


	16. Chapter 16

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Vaan didn't care how Mjrn was acting or anything. He still was in love with her. And she seemed interested in him too. Fran was not amused.

Mjrn had found herself some corn and was happily eating it.

"Mjrn, aren't you allergic to corn?" Fran asked, just as the younger Viera sneezed and corn went everywhere.

"So Mjrn…" Vaan began.

"Yes. I already told you I want to!" Mjrn growled.

"It's not that. Where are you gonna go? Who are you gonna stay with?"

"I've been hoping my sister would let me and my kits stay with her and Balthier!"

"Maybe if Fran wasn't having so many kits. You're having eight, and she's having twelve. That's twenty. Fran's kits will be enough of a problem without their eight cousins joining us." Balthier explained.

"MY KITS ARE PURE VIERA! THEY'RE WORTH MORE THAN FRAN'S KITS! SHE'S NEVER EVEN SLEPT WITH A MALE VIERA!"

"Don't start the yelling again." Fran warned.

"Give me a hug!" Mjrn cried happily for no reason.

"Okay!" Vaan, of course. Fran grabbed him by the hair and made him sit down again.

"Do not encourage her!" The elder Viera yelled. Then she grinned. "Mjrn, give me that corn cob."

"Mjrn, don't give it to her! She's gonna put it up her snizz!"

"Sounds good. Go ahead sis." Mjrn said, giving Fran the corn cob.

"Do you think you could put that up your vagina?" Vaan asked Mjrn.

"Probably. I've slept with about ten male Viera and a few other guys. I probably physically could, but I'm allergic to corn. Plus I'm not like Fran. I'm just angry all the time. Hey Fran?"

"Yes?"

"Jote had kits recently too. Only three, but they're cute. And they're full Viera, of course. I don't know why she didn't tell you when you hunted my malboro. Two girls and a boy. And I imagine her daughters are going to be wild brats like her."

"Can we get lunch? I'm starving." Vaan asked.

"One of these days Vaanie, I'm gonna have to cook for you. I'll make my special coeurl stew!"  
"Coeurl stew?"

"Oh yeah. My mother used to make it all the time. Jote and I knew how to too. Special recipe." Fran replied.

"Jote never got it right. She doesn't understand how I possibly could. Maybe if her senses of smell and taste were as well developed as mine are she'd understand. Last time she tried to cook something, it ended up being mouse soup. I don't know how a mouse got in it, but she didn't notice until it was too late. I need to eat things that are good for me and won't hurt my kits. It's crucial, especially at this point. You too, Fran. You need to watch what you eat."

"Don't get any ideas. Mouse soup is good for cats and maybe Viera, but not for us." Ashe told Penelo.

"It would be a good way to get rid of the mice here, but I don't know if they'd taste any good. I don't know what mice taste like, despite living in a house full of the things for years."

"That sounds really gross. Mice, little furry rodents that swim with disease, all over the place?"

"Mjrn, you would really enjoy the sexateria. Maybe you and Vaan can come with me and Balthier when we go there." Fran said.

"You don't mind that your sister and I…?" Vaan began. Fran shook her head.

"She seems to like you. I do want her to be happy. Maybe the two of you can take care of her kits."


	17. Chapter 17

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Mjrn had summoned a white wolf for no reason. Vaan was fascinated with the "fuzzy doggy."

"Vaan, I don't think you should be petting that wolf." Mjrn warned.

"But it's harmle…" Vaan said just as the wolf sank its teeth into his arm.

"I tried to tell you. I'm the only one she listens to."

Mjrn told her wolf to let go and back off. Fran cast cure on Vaan.

"Yeah, that might need a cure disease or something too. Or a rabies shot at least, just in case. I'm not saying she has rabies, just… that was a nasty bite."

"That wolf of yours has bitten me more than once, and I wasn't even allowed to have a potion!" Fran complained.

A man in the audience asked a question. "Hey Jerry. Squall Leonhart, long time viewer. I have a question for that furry thing."

"You mean Ammy." Mjrn said. The wolf started panting happily.

"No, no, the big rabbit. How would one of you guys feed twelve kids?"

"It's a secret only for Viera. Just for asking…" Fran vapourized Squall too.

"Fran, I am not thrilled with the fact that you kill audience members." Jerry said. Fran was playing with a DS she had pulled out of her top.

"Monster Rancher. Game time for me." Fran muttered happily.

"Why do you have nothing but rabbits?" Vaan asked.

"They is Vieras like me! I'm gonna get a kitty. Its name will be Mittens, just like the coeurl Mjrn once had."

"I liked Mittens. Mom never knew I had tamed her. I used to send her into the village and scare the hell out of the other Viera. And then that cunt Kjrs shot her with an arrow and killed her." Mjrn said. She had climbed onto her wolf's back and was riding around in circles.

"Mjrn, not again. I thought you were done with the vile swearing."

"I like my wolf. It's a girl wolf, so it's a bitch. Hell, I'm a bitch too, but the wolf literally is a bitch. I have a damn good idea for a show too!"

"Is it called _Vieras Humping?_" Fran asked hopefully. "We can be the stars!"

"No, but that's an even better idea than I had! Let's do that show instead!"

"Hey Vaan? Want to play with my rabbit?" Fran was pressing buttons with her rabbitlike feet.

"Where has that DS been lately?" Vaan wondered suspiciously.

"Just down my shirt, up my snizz, and my filthy feet have been all over it. By the way, the offer still stands: lick my feet and runes for Vaan!"

"I already said no, Fran. I'd lick Mjrn all over, but not you. I will lick Mjrn later."

Mjrn grinned. "We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. I can tell. Hey Fran? Does Vaan here have a nice cock?"

"It's tiny, compared to Balthier, Basch, and Montblanc."

"Oh well. I just hope he knows what he's doing. And he's keeping his fingers out of my cunt if he doesn't want to die! I can't stand that!"

"Can I lick you all over?"

"We'll see. I'm a sensitive bunny. Make me disappointed and you'll regret it."

"If you like it, we can go to the Sexateria with your sister and Balthier!"

"If I don't like it, I'll make Ammy here eat you!"

"I know what you'll like! Take that dress off! Or at least your undergarments!" Fran exclaimed happily.

"What are you doing with that carrot? That's the biggest carrot I've seen outside of the Wood!" Mjrn said as she got off the wolf and threw her lacy panties aside. She laid back on the floor and Vaan felt his cock stiffen again. He wanted into that hot Viera bad.

Fran went and slid the carrot up Mjrn's vagina. The younger Viera began whimpering. Apparently, she didn't like having things shoved up her as much as her sister did.

"Want me to kiss it and make it feel better?" Vaan asked.


	18. Chapter 18

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Mjrn had managed to get the carrot out. And she was very angry at her sister. That wasn't a very nice thing for Fran to do!

"There is something seriously wrong with these Easter Bunnies." Mario said. Fran began pulsing with energy and Mjrn looked ready to claw the Italian Plumber's eyes out.

"WHO THE FUCK IS YOU CALLING EASTER BUNNIES?!" Mjrn roared.

"Mjrn, seriously, enough with the swear words." Balthier said. Mjrn glared at him.

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not listening to a Hume?"

"I told you to quit it too." Fran said.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to. Everyone makes me really mad. I think Venat possesses me sometimes again. I don't know why. And Undying means undying, so you don't go saying you killed him/her/it. They can't be killed."

"Don't go blaming your ridiculous behaviour on Venat, Mjrn!"

"Can I blame Ammy?"

"I think your wolf went back to wherever you summoned her from."

Fran began playing with a zipper. "This is like magick. It goes up and closes and then it goes down and opens. Maybe if I put it up my pussy it will work there!"

"Let's hope it does." Mjrn growled.

Penelo was racing around her home, squirting Cheez Whiz everywhere. And throwing more cupcakes. And just plain making Ashe want to kill her. And then she tried cramming lemons up her vagina, but she couldn't because she was still a virgin. Unlike Fran. Ashe was covered in cheese and that didn't make her happy.

Fran had pulled a DVD out of her shirt and wanted everyone to see it.

"Fran, that isn't THE TAPE, is it?" Balthier asked.

"Yes it is! Now it's THE DVD!" Fran replied happily. Vaan and Mjrn were confused.

"What exactly is THE TAPE?" Vaan asked.

"Fran's sex tape: 'Vieras, Vieras, And More Vieras'. I already burned every copy of it I found on the _Strahl_, but who knows where else she's hidden copies of it." Balthier explained.

"I want to use it as the pilot episode for _Vieras Humping_! And then I'm gonna make a new DVD, 'The Very Bad Viera Shoves Everything up Her Vagina'!"

"I'm not letting you play with video cameras. Not after you tried to eat it last time. And THE TAPE was the straw that broke the chocobo's back! Who exactly were all those other guys? Did you just pick them up off the street? And why is it called 'Vieras, Vieras, And More Vieras' if you're the only Viera in it?"

"You don't understand art! Hey Mjrn? Want to be in my sequel? It will be called 'So Many Vieras You Won't Believe It'. I can find a lot of guys and pay them to be in the video. Would you like that?"

"Can I be in it?" Vaan asked.

"Yeah. And you can also be in Mjrn. I think that would make an interesting tape."

"No sex tapes. Get rid of that." Jerry said. Fran hissed at him.

"Don't make me send you to hell, because I will. And I won't miss! These claws are quite sharp, and I'm very accurate. I do use a bow after all."

"Fran, just get rid of the sex tape."

"No. Mjrn, get over here."

"Not so you can just go and violate me with a carrot again! That was extremely painful. At least with the Viera males there is a point where it turns into pleasure."

"I have no interest in shoving anything else up your pussy. I just someone here to help defend me if security tries to restrain me again.

"Hey Ashe. Fran looks ready to do something, and you know it's gonna be good." Penelo said.

"Penelo, that's the Viera documentary again!"


	19. Chapter 19

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

Fran Goes on Jerry Springer

**Only two chapters left!**

Mjrn was licking at a lollipop. From the look on Fran's face, everyone could tell exactly what she was thinking.

"NO. This is _my_ candy. You don't get to take any more food and put it anywhere. I need to keep my blood sugar through the roof. Doctor's orders. I saw a healer before I left the Wood, after all. She said I couldn't let my blood sugar get too low." Mjrn growled when Fran tried to snatch the candy.

"I don't think it should be too high. Let me take that…" Fran began. Mjrn kicked her.

"It isn't too high, and it's staying the hell out of your cunt!"

"Mjrn, please. I'll do whatever you want, just please, please, stop the swearing!" Balthier pleaded.

"Can I come with you and Fran to the sexateria next year?"

"Done."

Vaan sat down on the stage. Mjrn went and sat next to him.

"Aren't you happy we get to go to the sexateria next year?" Mjrn asked.

"Yeah, but don't you already have a man?"

"I TOLD you already. He ran off with some cute little Feol we met. Or at least she said she was a Feol. I don't know. She certainly didn't have wings or anything. Didn't look any different than the rest of the stupid Viera we've met. That's why I need someone to help me take care of my kits."

"I have candy!"

"Oh look. Licorice. I HATE LICORICE!! I WANT CHOCOLATE WITH COCONUT CREAM! I NEED IT! I'M CRAVING IT!"

"Mjrn, no need to yell. I don't have any of that. Fran took off with the rest of the food earlier, and this is all I have that hasn't been up her pussy."

"I wonder why that fascinates her so much. That carrot really hurt. That sister of mine sure got stupid when she left the Wood. Oh my whatever-the-hell-I-choose-to-believe-in-next! Am I going to turn stupid like her?"

"Probab… NO. Of course not! Fran was probably stupid to begin with."

"Yeah, maybe. Of course, I do not remember her ever acting like that before she left."

Fran got in between her sister and Vaan. "HELLO! THE LOVE CONNECTION IS OVER! This is called 'Fran Goes on Jerry Springer', not 'A really stupid Viera and her even stupider boyfriend blather inanely'!" Fran yelled.

"I always thought it was called 'Fran makes an idiot out of herself: Part I'!" Mjrn screeched.

"You be nice or no 'So many Vieras you can't believe it.' For the Mjrn!"

"Fran, you're a retard."

"You just realizing that now?" Balthier said to himself.

"Ashe? Am I a retard?" Penelo asked.

"Hell yeah!" Ashe exclaimed.

"Awww… you're mean."

"So?"

"I'm gonna tell Basch how mean you are, and then he won't marry you."

"WHAT WAS THAT? WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A THREAT?! YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER IDIOT THAN I THOUGHT!"

"YAY! I'm not a retard, I'm an idiot!"

Fran took Vaan's licorice, then after realizing that Mjrn hated it, shoved it down her pussy like everything else. Mjrn vomited all over Vaan.

"See Fran? You have a problem. You're sickening your sister!" Balthier complained.

"No I'm not! She's having a bunch of kittens too! It's morning sickness. And besides, that's just how she shows Vaan that she loves him!" Fran yelled at the top of her lungs. "C'mon Mjrn! Tell him!"

"No. I don't like this game of yours!"

"And that's the end of the show for today! Say goodbye, because I'm never letting another Viera on my show again. Now I know why Maury never lets them on his show…" Jerry said. Fran seemed very offended. The show cut to credits just as the Viera launched herself at the talk show host and ripped his lungs out.


End file.
